My final rant and what a pleasure it’s been to be your RA for the past 12 months. It’s been a real Onour and a privilege, thank you for your support! Being naturally shy and retiring it has been a revelation to me that I have been allowed to abuse you all with impunity.
So many highlights this year that’s it’s difficult to single out one or two of the best. Obviously Three Litre’s 1000th run is up there with the best – what an achievement, although after 34 years of hashing she still hasn’t learnt that she’s not a F1 driver, so there’s no need to shake the champagne, but as some smart arse remarked; “thank you for sharing it” as it rained down on us.
The switch to having “willing scribes” to report on the runs (rather than treating it has a punishment) has worked well, let’s hope that someone will continue to organise it next year. Maybe a task for the under employed On Sex? Some sort of report has appeared on the webshite for almost every run. Thanks to everyone who contributed, including Potty, who after being sat on ice, given ex-directory secret fax numbers and finally a stamped addressed envelope, managed to come up with a report for run 1746 instead of his outstanding report for run 1720, from the Three Tuns in Ashwell!
So …. what has gone badly this year? Apart from the odd run which could have been better, the failure of the “song of the month” to catch on and the weather, everything has been fantastic. This final rant was obviously penned before run 1768 when the weather was fantastic, Taxidermist and the choir actually managed two original verses of a relevant song and the trail wasn’t too bad either. Maybe this is the Olympic spirit rubbing off.
On the subject of the Olympics I’m afraid that I have to own up to the fact that I have my own Olympian credentials, which could explain why I am always to found at the front of the pack.
My Great Uncle, George Wallach, ran in the first 10,000 metres to be held in the Stockholm Olympics in 1912, just 100 years ago, GWH and other old farts may even remember it. If you don’t believe me check it out on Google – ok, so he was one of the 14 who didn’t finish, but that was only because short-cutting was unacceptable in those days!
Very few hash namings this year, Pugwash’s friend at Dry Dayton will now be known as “Shop”, short for Knocking Shop, Wed Arrow being named at the same run, to avoid him being given a random and crude handle by the Suff*ck Hash. Mini Me was also christened and I was out voted by a large majority when trying to give the hash handle “One Hundred” to the owner of a large spotty dog who ended up as Cruella De Hash, shame as I thought One Hundred (and one dalmations) was particularly apt. None of the above have been seen regularly on the Cambridge Hash, must be a lesson to be learned! However, my favourite naming has to be Princess Albert, you can ask her why next time you see her, but be prepared for a slap round the ear.
Now that Big Bloke has reverted to being a landlord again and has taken over the Tally Ho in Trumpington, it seems that we will be visiting his establishment on a fairly regular basis. A pity it’s a Greene King house and the area is a difficult one in which to lay a decent trail. Maybe I’m being harsh and today’s run from the Tally Ho will be a classic and the beer excellent!
Finally, let’s hope that the new mismanagement is half as good as the outgoing bunch of misfits! Good luck to them all, especially the new RA, I hope that he, or she, has as much fun as I’ve had.
A word of advice for the coming year: if at first you don’t succeed, don’t take up sky diving.
The ongoing debate as to who controls the weather has finally been resolved … is it the RA or the Jetstream? The Weather Eye, re-printed from The Times recently and reproduced here, is emphatic that it is definitely Jetstream who has been responsible for the tropical storms that we’ve had this year and the RA has bugger all influence on the weather, or anything else for that matter.
Despite rumours that the Seaside Run would be a disaster, with storms forecast and Hares dropping like flies, thanks to El Rave and the other volunteers, it turned out to be an excellent day out, and with the Jetstream moving to the north, a beautiful sunny day!
You may have heard (especially if you were at the Plough, Little Downham on 1st July) about the two old hash friends who were debating whether there would be any hashing in Heaven and they agreed that whoever died first would return and tell the survivor whether there was, or not. Well, one of them died and, surprise, surprise went to Heaven! A few weeks later he appeared to his friend in a dream. “There’s good and bad news” he said. “The good news is that there is a fantastic Heavenly Hash (H4) with superb trails through fabulous countryside.” “What’s the bad news?” his friend asked. “Your name’s down to lay the trail next week”, came the retort!
Avoid middle age! Keep hashing and go straight from childhood to senility!
Everyone needs a villain to blame for bad weather, and the culprit for this month's dull, cold, wet conditions is the jetstream. This river of wind runs around the globe a few miles high, where cold Arctic air collides with warm sub-tropical air. Usually the jetstream migrates north of the UK in summer, leaving the country with finer weather, but it has slipped south and is steering wet and windy depressions over England and Wales.
But Michael McGrath, from Burrington, Somerset, wrote to say that this is too simplistic a view. "What we really need to know is why the jetstream is behaving as it is ... and why has the jetstream slipped south?" he asked.
Unfortunately, there is no easy answer to that question - but if we did know the answer it would give a phenomenally powerful tool for forecasting the weather weeks and months ahead. What is clear is that across the whole globe, the jetstream tends to meander in great loops in the same manner as bends in a river. Big blocks of high pressure behave as if they are boulders in that river, making the jetstream bend around them, and this is affected by the seasons. In winter, for instance, a huge block of high pressure builds up over the snowfields of Siberia, and by late spring that snow melts, the high pressure breaks down, and so the jetstream changes course.
These large-scale seasonal patterns of the jetstream in remote parts of the world can affect our weather, but this does not quite explain exactly why the UK is currently in the path of the jetstream.
However, there is a fear that our wet weather may be driven by the Arctic warming up. It may be no coincidence that this is the sixth wet summer in a row in the UK, and this has happened just at the time when the Arctic ice. cap is melting at an alarming rate. This melt could be upsetting the balance of cold and warm air masses in the northern hemisphere that drives the jetstream, leaving the UK vulnerable to a wet and windy weather pattern.
My aim to get back to basics with a no frills, four page, Herald have been thwarted! LegOver produced another tome for his run report which means another huge ten pager again this Month. Unfortunately I have been unable to print this on Bronco bog paper, as it not only clogged up the printer but the resulting publication left ink stains on my back-side when recycled. Further testing is required, maybe using softer Andrex, before a fully environmental and arse friendly Herald can be produced.
An advantage of being Edithare is that I can promote the RA’s Blessings to the front page instead of hiding it away on page 7 and there’s no need to mention LegOver ….. who?!
Firstly, a note of warning for sun lovers: “If the first of July it be rainy weather, ‘twill rain more or less for four weeks together” If that doesn’t work then the Jetstream has another chance to perform, with St Swithin’s day on 15th July! Combining the two could give 55 rainy, or even sunny, days!
So what’s happening in July? Canada Day, US Independence Day, Bastille Day and of course National Lasagne Day on 29th – you can forget them all as long as you remember the Seaside Run at Sheringham! For those who don’t want to stay for the weekend, last year it only took Potty Trained an hour and a half to drive there, the same time that it took Potty to walk from the campsite!
Breaking news this month – scientists are developing a new drug, dihydromyricetin or DHM, which aims to stop drinkers getting drunk. The chemical is extracted from the seeds of the Asian tree Hovenia Dulcis, which was first used as a hangover cure in the year 659. Sounds good? Maybe, but think about it. This could destroy the whole point of drinking, never getting pissed? What’s the pleasure in that? Falling over, puking your guts up and a thumping headache the next day is nature’s way of telling you that you’ll die soon if you don’t ease off. What’s the point of having a clear head if your liver is shot to pieces?
Another unwanted side effect would be the loss of “beer goggles”, which render the most ugly of us sufficiently attractive to get the odd shag. Without the assistance of a few beers some of us would never get laid! This could seriously diminish the ability for hashers to reproduce – maybe not such a bad thing?
So far DHM has only been tested on rats, who were given the equivalent of 15 to 20 bottles of beer in two hours. Most animals passed out and remained motionless when flipped over, but, when given DHM, the rats could handle their drink better, they took longer to get drunk and seemed to sober up in about 15 minutes. More significantly, the chemical seems to stop rats wanting to drink and although they can drink more, they don’t. It’s only a matter of time before the researchers try it out on hashers. Beware!
Glorious June, an extra day’s holiday to celebrate the Queen’s Jubilee, street parties, fireworks and concerts. How will the Hash celebrate? Will LegOver be producing a special edition of the Herald? No! Kermit will be laying a run in TBA, no expense spared! At least we have to be thankful for the end of Harriette’s Month, with three transvestite hares, Ferrari Ferret, Bob and Slaphead pretending to be harriettes, and only Double Top and WYDT setting a genuine harriette’s trail.
At last the Jetstream is having some influence on the weather! After a disappointing seven months since the AGPU and not a sign of rain on Sunday mornings, I’ve finally cracked it and the Jetstream is now controlling the weather. Paul Simon’s weather notes in The Times last Wednesday included half a dozen references to the all powerful Jetstream. How do we explain it? I’ll quote from today’s weather notes “The reason for these events is big contortions in the Jetstream, the belt of high-altitude winds that drive much of our weather. Sometimes the path of the Jetstream runs as straight as an arrow, from east to west around the globe, but this spring the Jetstream has been writhing like a giant snake.” A further three personal mentions ….. eat your heart out LegOver, who complains that he can’t even get a mention in the CH3 Herald unless he edits it himself!
Praise where it’s due, LegOver’s May Herald was a highly amusing tome and it is worth paying annual subs of £50 just for the privilege of reading his 22 page edition! His article on Hash handles and their origins started me thinking, why and from where did the odd names on the Cambridge hash derive? Only a few of our names made it into the definitive “Hare of the Dog” by Stu (The Colonel) Lloyd, a publication running to 460 pages ….. LegOver take note. Hold It For Me, Toed Bedsores and Taxidermist being the only ones included who are still hashing regularly with CH3. Maybe a topic for a future Herald? Whilst on the subject, my favourite hash handle of all time has to be Thrush from Berkshire H3, so named because he’s an irritating cunt!
Has anyone else noticed that the Bear is slowly becoming the Cambridge Poet Laureate? Despite not getting any credit for his efforts, he has been responsible for the latest three “songs of the month” as well as his ode to The Brigadier. As we only have 22 positions on the Mismanagement is it time this was extended this to 23 to include a hash poet, if so, I nominate LegOver, sorry I meant Bear! Although anyone who has heard his latest, and most tasteless so far, song of the month may have a different view!
If you read my February rant (which I don’t suppose you did) you will have seen a letter from an anonymous harriette who had problems with her car. She obviously wasn’t satisfied with my reply and wrote again to BaD aLe with the same question, however, rather than publish her letter anonymously, it was attributed to Emelda ….. so that we all know who the wayward husband is! Alternatively, could it be a simple case of plagiarism by LegOver? Surely not!
Following on from LegOver’s complaint that he never gets mentioned in run reports and is worried that we may have forgotten him, I have included a reference to our former RA in each paragraph of this month’s blessings, just to remind you that he still exists …. who’s that again?
Will this month’s rant get published? Hopefully it won’t fall foul of the budget cuts and end up in the edithare’s waste bin this time. As LegOver is this month’s edithare, we can expect a huge publication, with March’s Herald running to 12 pages, and April’s to 14 pages, can we expect 16 this month? (Ed. Pah, a mere 16 pages, that would barely be worth getting out of bed for! This months is a veritable Tome my young padawan)
What about the environment? What about hash funds? I am unreliably informed that ink for the laser printer costs £170 a set! That’s two firkins of beer! I know which I’d rather have. As I am down as edithare for July you can expect a budget version of two sides that month, soft Andrex, recyclable paper, with copies available for purchase at a pint a copy!
May is being billed as Harriettes’ Month, when the harriettes are let loose and allowed to lay trails by themselves, or is this just a cynical ploy by the Trailmaster to offload some of his responsibilities? Having been Trailmaster myself many years ago, I suspect it’s the latter! So why is Ferret laying the run on 6th May, is he a closet harriette or just a typical transsexual verger?
To avoid excessive environmental damage, and further abuse of hash funds, I will cut this month’s rant short. Another reason for such a short rant is that LegOver has probably insulted most of the hash elsewhere (Ed. Hell yes!), so that there is little left for me to rant about. I therefore refer you to LegOver’s Heditorial (who said head?).
As it’s Harriettes’ month I would like to share the following message with them all: “A good man can make you feel happy, sexy, strong and able to take on the world …… oh sorry …… that’s wine …… wine does that ….. “
It only seems to be a couple of weeks since my last rant (possibly because it is!), and little of note has occurred, apart of course from the spectacular party to celebrate Henry’s fHHHarewell. As Bear said in his report, what is happening to Toed Bedsores and Goldfinger? A proper length run for a change, they must be losing it. So much to celebrate and punish in the circle that Crappy Nappy didn’t even get rewarded for coming to Computer’s aid after she fell over on the run. Having failed to lay his usual chaotic ball-breaker, Toed has turned his talent to that of edithare. A job that he’s taken rather seriously, especially by demanding that the RA produce his rant two weeks before the end of the month.
April Fools Day falls on a hashing Sunday, very appropriate as Lightning and Taxidermist are laying the trail! I note that this is also Palm Sunday, shouldn’t this be a Wank Holiday? Easter brings the usual festivities and no doubt Toyboy and Slaphead will get out their tired old bonnets again. As long as it’s only their tired old bonnets that they get out!
So what happened to the song of the month? It appeared in the last Herald, was sung half heartedly after the run from the Red Lion in Horseheath and then forgotten. Although it could hardly have been forgotten as nobody learnt it in the first place! Does this indicate that Taxidermist is due for some ice treatment? Unless he does better next month a block of ice is a distinct possibility.
As I write, today was a joint celebration with St Patrick’s day coinciding (almost) with Mothering Sunday. One of the best beer stops ever, with unlimited Guinness and a tot of Bushmills from Blowjob to round it off. With Grandmaster Bob absent, it was up to Blowback to get the show on the road, and with Grandmattress Lady Slipstream and RA Jetstream running the circle, it was a Whittle family stitch-up. A champagne down-down for all our hash mothers, apart from Mothertucker who is up the pole again. Our very own Gareth Malone turned a bunch of mothers into a world class orchestra, with an excellent performance of the William Tell Overture as their first public appearance. Ok …. it was only Titty Bum, Titty Bum, Titty Bum, Bum Bum, but it was a start!!
Potty unreliably informs us that he has written his run report (which one?) and now needs to get it typed before it can be published. With modern technology he should know that there is software which can convert it for him? Mind you, having mistaken four horses for FRBs holding a check, I rather despair of his run report ever appearing in print.
I’ll end this episstle with a serious religious quotation – “Beer is proof that God loves us”
With the latest announcement that El Rave is re-instigating a regular Herald every month, this also means a regular monthly rant from the RA – aren't you lucky!
February trails were excellent, with the snow and mud providing perfect hashing conditions. Congratulations to all the Hares, especially Blowback for making the effort to talk to the farmers and get permission to run off the public footpaths, even though one of them wasn't approached until we'd already run round his fields! "Sometimes it's easier to beg forgiveness after the event than seek permission beforehand" – words of wisdom, penned by the RA.
One of the highlights for the coming month will be Henry's fHHHarewell on March 11th. Henry has been landlord of the Cross Keys in Caxton for the past 30 years and has entertained the Cambridge Hash on several memorable occasions. Not least was the Burn's Night lunch, complete with haggis, neaps and tatties, bagpipes and, of course, Boghopper! The locals still talk about it, which is just as well because most of us can't remember a thing!! It is proposed that the choir will serenade Henry with some corrupted verses of "I'm Henery the eighth I am …" so if you feel the muse coming on, please pen an alternative verse and pass the lyrics to Taxidermist for consideration. To commemorate Henry's departure the Hash plan to provide curry and rice after the run, so come prepared for a long session.
March also sees St Patrick's Day almost falling on a Sunday, time to get out those old Guinness hats. In addition, the clocks go forward an hour on the same day. This is a time of year when we miss Zorro. He could always be relied on to forget to alter his alarm clock, arriving an hour late or maybe an hour early. Perhaps one of the other sceptics will take over the mantle, although Soju Sonata in A Minor is usually so late arriving that we might not notice.
For those who have hashed in Indonesia (and that is most of the Cambridge Hash following last year's pilgrimage to PanAsia hash), or even aspired to, the next IndoNosatalgia Hash is on the weekend 13th/15th April. Registration closes on 17th March, so it is time to get organised and pay your money (to Jetstream – that's me!). Only £40 for a lovely weekend in the Cotswolds. As long as you enjoy a two or three hour circle you'll love it.
Another new departure, following the general fuck-up over the run write-ups, is the appointment of a "willing" scribe each week to write a short report about the run, the circle and/or anything vaguely irrelevant. Hopefully this will save having to chase Hasn't Got One in vain for a write-up when he Hasn't Done One …… even the ice treatment failed to provoke a positive response. If I haven't already approached you about this, please let me know if you are willing to do one or perhaps two reports a year. I already have 28 "willing volunteers" so it shouldn't be too much of a chore.
Finally, I had planned to end this epissle with Bear's Ode to our Grand Master, Bob! However, as Bob didn't turn up to the Elephant and Castle on 19th Feb, which was Bear's last scheduled appearance before 11th March, you'll have to wait for the official release of this masterpiece. As a taster you can hum along to the following ….
Kong Hee Fatt Choi to everyone and welcome to the year of the Dragon! To celebrate the New Year the Dragon has breathed fire onto my hard drive which has melted it and lost all my rants, including the draft of one, which was almost ready for printing. Bastard Dragon, must be a welsh one!
Keeping on the Drag On theme, don't forget your red dress for Blowback's Valentine's Day run on 12th February. OK, it's premature but that's a common problem at this time of the year.
One unexpected duty with being RA is having to act as an Agony Aunt for harriettes in distress. I was recently able to provide comfort and guidance to a distraught harriette who wrote the following letter to me:
"Dear RA,
Last week I left the house as usual to drive to work, leaving my husband lying on the sofa, watching TV. I hadn't gone far when the car stalled and I couldn't get it to start again. As I was only half a mile for home I walked back to get my husband to help me. When I arrived home I was devastated to find my husband in bed with the next door neighbour's daughter. He is 34, I am 32 and we've been married for ten years, the neighbour's daughter is only 19 years old.
When I confronted him he broke down and confessed that they have been having an affair for the past six months. I am absolutely shattered and need your advice and guidance as to what I should do.
Yours, in desperation, Harriet."
As I take my responsibilities as RA very seriously, and don't want to see any of our harriettes suffering, I wrote straight back:
"My dear Harriet,
I was very sad to hear of your problem, a modern car shouldn't have broken down after such a short journey. However, it is possible that the fuel line was blocked and you'll need to disconnect this and check that the fuel is flowing freely. If this is not the problem, it could be an electrical fault, so, with the fuel line disconnected, try starting the engine and check if the fuel pump is working. Finally, if none of these checks reveal the cause of the problem it could be the fuel pump itself that has failed, in which case you'll have to take the vehicle to a garage to get a replacement part.
I hope that these suggestions help you resolve your problem so that you are able to drive your husband to the Hash next week.
By the way, did you know that your name means ‘home ruler' – isn't that interesting.
With blessings from your RA, Jetstream"
I feel so privileged to be able to provide comfort and support to the pack, and look forward to being of further assistance to any harriettes in distress. However, I would be grateful if you could refrain from sending any further mechanical queries as this is not my strong point.
I have searched in vain for a suitable biblical quotation with which to end this epistle but there does not appear to be one – so, it's
HHHappy New Year! Or, for those recently returned from PanAsia Hash in Indonesia, Selamat Tahun Baru!
Time to look back on the highs and lows of the past year and look forward to a wonderful year of hashing in 2012. Now that my hangover from the Suff*ck Hash's 12 down-downs of Christmas, closely followed by the Cambridge Xmas Farty, is beginning to fade, it's time to reflect on 2011. Thankfully there was a run on Christmas morning which helped to blow any remaining cobwebs away. 22 happy hashers turned up at the Radugund on Christmas Day for a most enjoyable run and a festive beer or two, is this a record?
The highlight of the past year, of course, was the erection of Bob, our female Hashmaster, as well as a splendid group of misfits to support him on the Mismanagement. One of the more despicable events of 2011 was the refusal to allow Bob to join the Boys Wot Booze evenings. The fact that he has boobs is not an excuse as most of the BWB have them. For the real reason we have to refer back to that infamous "golf" competition, when Bob easily outdrank all the other boys and won the competition outright. Shame on the BWB's who can't cope with being beaten.
I must congratulate our weekly scribes on their dedication in producing run reports for each trail in such a timely manner, it's amazing the inspitation that a little block of ice produces. I'll pass that suggestion on to the Minister for Education, a cheap way of increasing the number of A* results, or should that be A*soles? Unfortunately even the ice treatment had no effect on Haven't Got One who has yet to put pen to paper. So, with holding checks and scribing generally sorted, what will be the next "just cause"? Maybe my attention should turn to those who like to hold private parties in the circle rather than pay attention?
It was a pleasure to receive the Grant from the Fart's Council in recognition that Short Cutting is indeed a performing art and worthy of support. I would like to thank the previous RA for his inspiiration in prevoking our application. I would like to, but I won't. You might of noticed that the Grant has already been quaffed and we need to find another worthy organisation to support our SCBs in future.
Looking forward, the highlights of 2012 will undoubtably include the Alelimpics to be held in Essex in July and the associated Paralytic Olympics in Norfolk in August – not to be confused with those non hashing events with similar names taking place in London at the same time.
If the mismanagement can get their act together we may even have a seaside run or perhaps a mystery run, possibly both at the same time? The Wilburton beer festival is the only event listed on the CH3 Calender, can't we do better than that?
Dearly beloved and the rest of you wankers .... for those of you who missed my previous rant, tough shit! It was writen for inclusion in the October Herald but wasn’t published, it was also left out of the November edition. It was available on the website, but this link has now disappeared as well! Is someone trying to tell me something? Benghazi, Three Litre, Klinger and other cybeer illiterates can request a copy from me and I’ll be happy to provide one in return for a pint or two.
You may be aware that the reason for the lack of the monthly Herald has been due to Double Top’s lack of a printer. This situation has now been resolved as B@stard has donated a laser printer to the Hash in return for free beer for the next year. His free beer supply will commence tomorrow, which is probably when the next Herald will appear.
Hashmas is approaching and the season of good will, over-eating and getting even more pissed than usual, is upon us. Time to get out the fancy dress for the Hashmas Farty on 18th December, or, simply sign up for the EACH Santa Run and get a free Santa outfit, as well as helping the local childrens’ hospices.
Having concentrated on awarding down-downs for not holding checks (until the RA arrives) it is time to move on to another “just cause” and so my attention has turned to the run write-ups, or lack of them. It’s a sad reflection of the British education system that more than half of those appointed to do a run report have been unable to write a single word. So, all of you illiterate arsoles, get your pencils sharpened and produce the goods! Hasn’t Got One has already been given the ice treatment and more ice is chilling in the freezer for the rest of you if you continue to default! Deep Shit, Potty and of course HGO (again) take note, and start writing those run reports which were due for September. In case you’ve forgotten, El Rave, Potty Trained and Toyboy are also on the list for more recent runs!
Good news on our request for a Grant from the Farts Council. They have finally pronounced on whether Short Cutting should be considered to be an art form and, if they agree, our SCBs may even be eligible for a Farts Council Grant. The result of their deliberations will be announced shortly, don’t miss it!
Finally, this month’s quotation comes from Isaiah Chapter 36 verse 12: “”Hath he not sent me to the men who sit upon the wall that they may eat their own dung and drink their own piss”. See you on 18th December for a “non traditional Christmas lunch”, you are strongly advised not to sit on the wall!
Dearly beloved and the rest of you wankers. The erections are over, the white smoke has now cleared and the new Missmanagement is in place. With a female Grandmaster appointed, is this the proof that God is a woman? Surely not, as the god of hashing is obviously Beer – which as far as I know, has no sex, unless of course you’re french and worship La Biere. Oh shit .... so god is a woman!
It will be difficult to fill my predecessor’s, Legover’s, shoes, he has done an excellent job as RA over the past year or so and besides that, he has bigger feet than me. One thing that will change is the weather, it has been too benign for too long. You should be aware that the Jetstream is responsible for bringing all the bad weather around the world and so you can expect hurricans, storms, hail, blizzards and plagues of locusts ... but hopefully not toeds.
During my time in oriface I will be assisted by my verger, Ferret, and between us we will be punishing sinners for sins, especially for not holding checks, not calling and for simply for being an ex-RA. Over the past 32 years on the Cambridge Hash I have suffered at the hands of numerous RAs, whose fabricated accusations and lies have resulted in many, totally undeserved, down-downs. Now it is time for retribution!
As you may be aware I am in correspondence with the Farts Council who will be pronouncing shortly as to whether short cutting is an art form or not. I am optmistic that they will rule in favour of SCBs and award them an appropriate grant in the near future. I am especially indebted to his Onour, the Earl of Pampissford, for his support in the matter.
I will be encouraging “charges” in the circle, so if you see a fellow hasher committing a sin on the run, or you simply wish to fabricate a story incriminating someone, please let me know. I will endeavour to avoid wasting down-downs on the coffee club, tea totallers and drivers who already have 9 points on their licences, but if you are fortunate to be awarded a down-down and are unable to drink it, please take a sip and return it to the bar; on no account pass it to Antar who’s “not driving” and has been relying on second hand beer to keep his blood alcohol level at a constant 90%.
Finally, to quote from 1 Kings Chapter 21 verse 21: “And it came to pass, when he began to reign, as soon as he sat on his throne, that he slew all the house of Baasha: he left him not one that pisseth against a wall, neither of his kinsfolks, nor his friends.” Take care and avoid the house of Baasha and don’t piss against a wall! You have been warned.